CNBC.COM
Earlier this spring, my fiancé and I visited a wedding expo, hoping to meet all manners of DJs and florists and photographers and planners for our upcoming nuptials.
Before we went, we already had a few key details locked down. We had a venue and a caterer, a total budget and a general vibe we were looking for. We were ready to show the Pinterest board to whomever cared to look. What we weren't sure about was what any of these people charged. And we soon found that, near unanimously, they weren't about to tell us.
"Every wedding is different and special," our potential vendors said. "We couldn't possibly put a price on our services without scheduling another call with you. Have you put your contact info on our list?"
The lack of transparency was a canny move on their part, says Attia Qureshi, co-author of "Never Settle: Persuasion and Negotiation Skills to Get What You Want" and a former business school lecturer at MIT and University of Michigan. "What they're doing is having you invest time into them so that you feel like there's the sunk cost fallacy." she says.
Caginess about numbers is one of many tactics that skilled negotiators use to force you to engage on their terms, Qureshi says. Good luck finding a contractor who lists rates, or a hiring manager who will tell you exactly what salary comes with an open position, even in states with salary transparency laws.
DON'T MISS: The communication skill that can help you accelerate your career growth
Wedding vendors in particular "can capitalize on this idea that people have dreamed about their wedding for their entire life, and they want it in a particular way, and they have a vision in mind. And so they can charge more to achieve that vision."
I know my wedding won't be cheap. You'll pay $292 per guest, on average, to get married with a reception these days, according to wedding website The Knot's Real Weddings Study 2026 — which surveyed 10,474 U.S. couples who got married in 2025. For comparison, weddings in 2019 cost an average of $214 per guest, the report found.
My wedding's initial guest list topped 300 people. You do the math.
But I don't want to be taken to the cleaners by my vendors. Forty-one percent of the couples surveyed by The Knot went over budget, and roughly half said their initial budget felt "lower than the reality of what a wedding costs."
So I asked Qureshi to give me a framework for negotiating from a starting position of little-to-no information. Here are three steps she says to follow any time you feel you're approaching any kind of negotiation — be it with a contractor, a wedding vendor or a prospective employer — on the back foot.
1. Define what you want
The biggest mistake most negotiators make, Qureshi says, is going to the table without a clearly defined idea of what they want.
"It's something that we often forget about. We don't consider what our goal is or what we actually care about," she says. "Typically, a lot of people think negotiation is going in hard and trying to 'beat' the other side."
Without starting from a place of introspection, you're unlikely to get what you want, and you could sour your relationship with the person across the table in the process, Qureshi says. "You're trying to create value for both parties. Because what I've learned is, if you can make the other party feel like they're getting a good deal, you are getting a good deal."
Before I enter talks with a florist, Qureshi told me, I need to have both a budget in mind and a clear idea of what role I want flowers to play at my wedding. Do I need a thousand white roses exactly, or for my ceremony to look like one I saw on Pinterest? Or do I know that I want centerpieces for the tables, but I'm flexible on what specific stems we use?
"Understanding your interests is so important in these cases, because now the other party can provide a range of different ideas for you" Qureshi says.
2. 'Anchor' your offer to research
If your negotiation revolves around a number, such as a salary figure or the amount you plan to pay a DJ, do some market research, Qureshi says: Find some "external data on what actually makes sense here, given what interests that [you] have."
If your upcoming negotiation is a promotion request, you might search salary data sites to determine what people in comparable roles make in your area, says Qureshi. For someone hiring a contractor or a vendor, calling around and getting quotes based on your vision — or even asking AI chatbots to help pull averages in your region — can be helpful, she says.
Once you have a range in mind, start the negotiations with the with your best-case scenario number, Qureshi says. "In negotiating with wedding vendors, find the number that is the lowest, that is still supported by data, and start there."
In doing so, she says, you effectively "anchor" the negotiation around a number you're comfortable with. "You're starting at the most aggressive point that's beneficial for you. So then when you do move, it feels like a win to [the other party]."
3. Have an alternative in your back pocket
Some negotiations, even if you've done your research and come up with a reasonable number, won't go the way you hope. In those instances, you don't want to be a proverbial deer in the headlights — so put together a backup plan before you even start negotiating.
You might be willing to walk: taking a job offer elsewhere, or going with another vendor willing to do the job for cheaper, for example. "Have an alternative, because you are going to feel much more confident in a negotiation. They're going to smell it on you," Qureshi says. "There is a different aura that you give off when you have an alternative, honestly. And it gives you confidence in the conversation."
Your goal should be to invite the other party into a conversation with you, rather than forcing them to defend themselves, she says. After telling a vendor how much you admire their work, you might say, "one rub here is that someone else quoted me half the price," says Qureshi. "So I'd just like to understand if there's any wiggle room and where that price discrepancy comes from."
Finding ways to be flexible beyond price can help, she adds. If washing silverware and china is a major part of your caterer's staffing costs, for instance, you may get a better price by offering to use high-end disposable plates and cutlery.
My wedding's caterer accepted that compromise. Now, my fiancé and I just need to decide if we like the look of bamboo forks enough to buy 300 of them.
Want to get ahead at work? Then you need to learn how to make effective small talk. In CNBC's new online course, How To Talk To People At Work, expert instructors share practical strategies to help you use everyday conversations to gain visibility, build meaningful relationships and accelerate your career growth. Sign up today!
