If you want to raise 'stronger, more independent' kids, give them this: They need it 'now more than ever,' say psychologists

If you're raising a teenager today, it can feel like every parenting decision carries enormous stakes.

Parents are bombarded with alarming headlines about adolescent mental health: rising anxiety, loneliness and depression. Social media, smartphones and academic pressure are often cited as the causes. Every week seems to bring a new explanation for why teens are struggling.

The message many parents absorb is simple: Don't make things worse.

After hearing that often enough, many parents start to worry that one wrong move could make things worse. They try not to push too hard or enforce too many rules, fearing that doing so might add to their kids' stress.

But in the process, something important can get lost. In today's parenting culture, many parents have quietly grown afraid to claim their authority.

We see this tension every day. As clinical psychologists who have spent decades working with parents and adolescents — and as parents of teens ourselves — we have a front-row seat to how uncertain many parents feel about claiming authority as part of their job.

One of the most stabilizing forces in a teenager's life is knowing that the system around them has structure — and that capable adults are holding it.

When parents provide that structure, teens feel something psychologists sometimes call "containment": the sense that big emotions and messy moments are held inside something steady and reliable. Without it, all that intensity can start to feel exposed. It's like an egg without a protective shell.

That matters because adolescence is a time when feelings get bigger before self-control fully catches up. Teens feel things intensely and react quickly. They care a great deal about friendship, belonging, status and independence.

This means that big emotions are part of adolescence. Teens are supposed to push limits and argue about rules. They may slam doors or act like your boundary is the most unreasonable thing that has ever happened to them.

Big feelings often lead to big behaviors. A parent's job is to stay steady inside them. Here are a few ways that can look in real life:

• Stay calm. This means remembering: I'm the grown-up here. Your teen may be turbulent, but you don't have to be. Sometimes it helps to pause, take a breath and remind yourself: I'm the pilot, not the turbulence.
• Validate the feeling while holding the limit. You can say, "I know you're really upset, but answer is still no." Two things can be true at the same time: Your teen's feelings are real, and your boundary still stands.
• Say less. When teens escalate, more words often add more chaos. Resist the urge to explain, defend or lecture. A simple "I hear you" or "You're really mad" can go further than a long explanation.
• Give space when space helps. Sometimes the steadiest thing you can do is step back. You might say, "I'm here when you're ready to talk," and then give them room. Giving space can help everyone settle.

A lot of confusion today comes from how we think about autonomy.

Autonomy means gradually learning to make decisions within the safety of a clear, steady structure.

Teens push for autonomy. Parents hold the boundaries that make it possible. Inside those boundaries, teens test limits, negotiate responsibility and learn to tolerate frustration — experiences that build judgment and resilience over time.

Without that structure, teens aren't really practicing independence. They're just unmoored. And deep down, even when they push against limits, most teens feel safer when a parent is willing to hold the line with calm and care.

Every family's structure looks different. It might include where phones live after 9:30 at night, what "I'll be home later" really means, or whether a party requires a parent present.

It also includes the norms that shape family life, like how people treat one another, how conflict is handled and what accountability looks like.

Remember, structure gives teenagers something to grow inside of — a shell that holds things together while something stronger and more independent forms within.

Dr. Becky Kennedy is a clinical psychologist, mom of three, and the founder and CEO of Good Inside, a parenting company and next-generation movement. Through her bestselling book, "Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be," TED Talk and podcast, she has built a community of millions of parents who turn to her for practical, sturdy and compassionate advice.

Dr. Sheryl Ziegler is a licensed clinical psychologist with over two decades of experience working with children and families in private practice. She is the author of "Mommy Burnout: How to Reclaim Your Life and Raise Healthier Children in the Process," and the forthcoming book, "The Crucial Years: The Essential Guide to Mental Health and Modern Puberty in Middle Childhood."

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