The most confident people do 10 'subtle' things to influence others, say communication experts

As language and public speaking experts, usually we talk about the specific words and phrases you can use to influence others — ways to get people on board with your ideas, or to view you as a leader.

But there's more to communication than just talking. Nonverbal cues can be just as powerful, and sometimes even more persuasive than what you say.

So how can you earn respect and influence people without being overbearing or pushy? Here are 10 subtle tricks that can tip the scale in your favor.

Studies have found that people tend to think more positively about people they've helped out in some way. Behavioral scientists call this the Benjamin Franklin effect, after Franklin wrote about borrowing a rare book from a political rival — who later became a supporter.

Even minor requests, like asking if someone has a phone number or if you can borrow a pen, can increase goodwill and openness toward you.

This is a variation on the Benjamin Franklin effect, and is often called the Ladder of Engagement or Foot in the Door Technique. You ask someone for a small favor and they comply. Then you ask for something larger, and they comply again because they're already committed to helping you. 

Leaders often use this approach to build momentum and alignment without forcing compliance.

People like to think they're making decisions, that they're not being steamrolled. So it's a good idea to give them the feeling that they're in control by offering them choices instead of saying a blunt "here's what I want you to do."

By allowing someone to choose between acceptable alternatives, you reduce resistance and increase cooperation. The decision feels voluntary, not imposed.

Leaders don't feel the need to fill every second with conversation. They pause and let the other person wait and wonder. This can be especially effective when you're negotiating something.

The silence often prompts the other person to start talking and, often, give more information than they intended just to banish the silence. 

Strong leaders don't feel the need to fill every moment with noise. Silence creates space, and often prompts the other person to keep talking.

This is especially effective in negotiations. People frequently reveal more information than they intended simply to escape the discomfort of silence.

Silence can also take the form of brief pauses before you respond. Waiting two or three seconds signals that you've listened carefully and are considering your answer, which builds trust and goodwill.

Research also shows that pausing every 20 seconds or so helps maintain attention and engagement.

Our brains can only hold a limited amount of information at once — roughly four key ideas. Long explanations dilute your message.

Aim to speak in concise bursts: one or two sentences at a time, ideally under 30 seconds. Clear, focused statements are easier to follow and more persuasive.

If someone challenges you, resist the urge to match their energy. Staying calm and refusing to escalate is often the fastest way to regain control of the conversation.

When you don't engage in back-and-forth conflict, the other person's argument often loses steam on its own — and you come across as confident rather than defensive.

Persuasive communication depends not only on what you say, but how you say it. Numerous studies show that people perceive speakers as more confident when they speak firmly, keep their pitch relatively low, and end sentences with a falling intonation.

Speed matters, too. Linguists have found that speaking too slowly can make you seem disengaged or dull, while speaking too quickly may make you appear nervous or untrustworthy. A moderate pace strikes the right balance.

You've probably heard that nodding when someone else is talking can make them think more favorably of you (because you're showing that you're listening and interested). But it's also a great idea to nod when you're doing the talking.

It sends a subconscious message to the person listening to you: Agree with me. What I'm saying is right. And there's another interesting side benefit: Nodding when you're speaking increases your own self-confidence in your message.

It's a variation on the old "leave them wanting more" concept. When you close down the conversation before the other person, you leave in charge … and you make them wonder what else you didn't say. 

Kathy and Ross Petras are the brother-and-sister co-authors of the New York Times bestseller You're Saying It Wrong, along with other popular language books, and co-hosts of the award-winning NPR syndicated radio show and podcast "You're Saying It Wrong." They've also been featured in media outlets including The New York Times, The Chicago Tribune, The Washington Post and Harvard Business Review. Follow them on Bluesky.

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