CNBC.COM
As communication and language experts, we're aware of the power of words. That's exactly why manipulators use them so effectively. They know what to say, and when to say it, to get you to believe what they want.
But once you recognize the patterns, they're much easier to spot. The key is knowing how to read — or listen — between the lines and recognizing that phrases that sound nice and innocent, even kind, are not that at all.
Here are seven common ones to watch for in both romantic and professional relationships.
1. 'I'm sorry you're so upset.'
There's a "but" coming, and that's the issue here. Manipulators use phrases like this as a fake apology — and they typically follow it up with a list of what you did wrong or why your perceptions are wrong.
It's a combination of trivialization and gaslighting. You're being told that your feelings aren't important and that they're also not valid.
2. 'I know we've only known each other a short time, but I know this is the real thing.'
This isn't always romance — it can be "love bombing." That's when someone inundates you with affectionate words and gestures early on to build influence.
At first, it feels flattering. Over time, it often shifts into control. The same person who puts you on a pedestal may later use that dynamic to undermine your confidence. It's a classic power play.
While we think of love bombing as something that occurs only in a romantic relationship, this sort of thing happens in the workplace, too. It can sound like: "You're a genius," or "You're the only person I like collaborating with." The pattern is the same.
3. 'We don't need anyone but each other.'
After the initial flattery, the tone shifts to isolating phrases. The goal: to make you dependent upon only them.
By framing the relationship as exclusive, the manipulator creates distance between you and people who might offer perspective — and makes you more dependent on them.
4. 'I'm only saying this because I care so much about you.'
Here's yet another aspect of love bombing. After all the "you're the only person for me" sort of comments, the manipulator then starts critiquing you … but making it appear that it's just another facet of love.
You might think you're being appreciated, but you're really being maneuvered into agreeing with someone who's setting you up. As a result, your self-esteem begins to suffer.
5. 'Are you okay? I'm worried about you. You seem a little out of it lately.'
You hear this and you think someone is looking out for you. They care. Isn't that nice of them? But what might sound like concern for your well-being often isn't concern at all.
Instead, it's part of the gaslighting process. Gaslighters try to get you to question your own hold on reality. They inject doubt into your thought processes and make you feel that you're not thinking straight. It's a key aspect of manipulation and, often, one of the most difficult to detect.
As one researcher explained it: Gaslighters make you feel "epistemically incompetent" and incapable of figuring out what's real any longer.
6. 'I'm not sure [friend/family member/co-worker] has your best interests at heart like I do.'
Similar to the isolation tactic of love bombing, this is another part of the gaslighting process. And it's yet another example of manipulation dressed up as concern.
The manipulator's goal? To have you discount what other people tell you and listen to the manipulator as the only person telling you the truth.
7. 'If that's what you want to do, go ahead and do whatever you want.'
Sounds great, doesn't it? Someone wants you to have the freedom to make your own choices, do your own thing.
But statement that seems so benevolent can be anything but. Manipulators often use phrases like this one when they haven't gotten what they wanted, when you aren't playing their game. So while they're saying "oh, it's fine," they're really saying the opposite.
They're laying the groundwork for a guilt trip.
Kathy and Ross Petras are the brother-and-sister co-authors of the New York Times bestseller You're Saying It Wrong, along with other popular language books, and co-hosts of the award-winning NPR syndicated radio show and podcast "You're Saying It Wrong." They've also been featured in media outlets including The New York Times, The Chicago Tribune, The Washington Post and Harvard Business Review. Follow them on Bluesky.
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