To raise kids who are honest, use these 4 phrases: You want to make 'honesty feel safe,' says parenting expert

For many parents, catching your child in a lie can feel like a personal betrayal. Many of us were taught that lying equals disrespect, and that disrespect deserves punishment.

The problem with punishment is that breeds fear, which can then breed more lying. Think back to the last time you lied. What emotion drove it? Fear, embarrassment, guilt? If you knew your honesty would be met with empathy instead of anger, would you still have felt the need to hide the truth?

I've spent my career educating parents, teachers, and caregivers about early childhood development. Here's the advice I give them when they catch their kids lying.

Lying in kids is developmentally normal. In fact, it's a sign that their brains are developing the ability to plan, problem-solve, and imagine different outcomes. These are the same skills that drive learning and creativity. Researchers even call it "executive function in action."

Put another way, lying is a developmental milestone, not a moral failure. Children may lie for several reasons: to avoid punishment, to manage social stress, having poor impulse control, or to protect their independence.

When you understand the "why," you can respond to the need behind the behavior, rather than the behavior itself.

When your child lies, your instinct might be to correct, scold, or punish. Instead, focus on making honesty feel safe.

Make these your go-to phrases:

1. "I'm not mad at you. I feel upset about what happened because I want you to be safe. Let's talk about what could happen differently."
2. "I love you even when you make mistakes. It's safe to tell me the truth."
3. "Are you scared to tell me because you're afraid I'll be mad? [Pause.] It's okay for me to have a hard feeling. I can calm my body to help you."
4. "I want you to feel safe telling me the truth. I will listen and we can always figure out problems together."

Each statement sends a clear message that they are safe, even when they mess up.

Take this example: Eva, 12, has an iPhone she's allowed to use for one hour after school. Her mom, Jane, finds out that Eva snuck the phone back into her room and lied about it.

When Jane calmly asks why, Eva admits she needed to coordinate outfits with her friend Abby and didn't want to let her down.

Jane could have focused on the rule-breaking. Instead, she said: "Thanks for being honest. I get it. I remember wanting to match outfits with my friends, too. The one-hour rule still stands, but next time, just tell me. I'd rather give you five more minutes than have you feel you need to hide it."

By responding with connection instead of control, Jane preserved trust and taught Eva that honesty leads to understanding, not punishment.

Even in a home built on trust, kids will still lie sometimes. That just means they're still learning.

To strengthen honesty at home:

• Normalize mistakes. Kids tell the truth when they don't fear shame.
• Validate their feelings. "I get why you felt nervous to tell me" goes a long way.
• Reiterate expectations calmly. Boundaries can coexist with empathy.
• Stay flexible. When kids see you adapt, they learn that honesty pays off.

The more your child feels safe with you, the more likely they will want to be honest and come to you — even when it's hard.

So instead of asking, "How do I stop my child from lying?" ask, "What is this lie protecting them from?" Respond with empathy. Keep the door to honesty open. That's how you build trust that lasts.

Alyssa Blask Campbell has a master's degree in early childhood education; is the New York Times bestselling coauthor of "Big Kids, Bigger Feelings" and "Tiny Humans, Big, Emotions"; and the CEO of Seed and Sew. A mom of two, she has also been featured as an emotional development expert in numerous national publications.

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