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As a mom, a researcher, and a writer, I've spent more than a decade diving into the science of happiness.
Along the way, I've collected what I call "Secrets of Adulthood" — the lessons I've learned, with time and experience, about how to create lives that are happier and more meaningful. Many of those insights come back to one of the most important roles we play: raising happy, well-adjusted kids.
So I'm sharing 12 simple and practical parenting rules I always live by.
1. Know when to call it quits
If you have big plans for the day but your child isn't cooperating, be willing to adjust your activities to suit your child's needs in the moment.
Sometimes I have to remind myself, "This is supposed to be fun." It's no good visiting the zoo if my daughter is throwing one tantrum after another.
2. Stay steady
When I interviewed parenting expert Aliza Pressman on my podcast "Happier," we talked about the fact that by working to stay calm ourselves, we help our children stay calm.
Children don't want the pressure of feeling that a parent's mood or outlook depends on their behavior; they want to be able to rely on a parent's steady support.
3. Give a warm hello and goodbye
This small action makes a huge difference for kids by boosting the atmosphere of tenderness and attentiveness in a household.
Say hello and goodbye with genuine attention and warmth, and if possible, add a hug or some kind of physical touch. I want my kids (and my husband) to know that I'm just as happy to see them as our dogs are.
4. Find little ways to celebrate
My silly April Fool's Day pranks and my "holiday breakfasts" for Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day are a big source of happiness. They're quick, fun, and make a day feel special and memorable.
5. Say no only when it really matters
Wear a bright red shirt with bright orange shorts? Sure. Sleep with your head at the foot of the bed? Fine. Samuel Johnson said, "All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle."
6. Adapt your approach to a child's personality
For instance, figure out whether your child is an Obliger, Questioner, Upholder, or a Rebel, and adapt your parenting style to suit that particular child. Read more about my "Four Tendencies" personality framework here. If you want suggestions about how to apply the framework as a parent, look here. If you want your child to practice the piano, for instance, you'd take a very different approach depending on your child's Tendency.
7. Find the humor in situations as much as possible
This includes being willing to laugh at yourself. I remind myself of the Secret of Adulthood that "Mishaps often make the best memories."
Instead of yelling when I saw that my daughter had scattered every single pot and pan across the kitchen floor, I laughed and reminded myself that one day, this mess would make a very funny memory.
8. Be quick to point out a child's strengths and gifts
"You're so resourceful," "You have such an original imagination," "I wish I had your ability to remember names and faces." For children and adults alike, it can be hard to identify our own strengths. Parents can help children recognize areas of excellence in themselves.
9. Acknowledge the reality of children's feelings
It can be tempting to say, "That person was just joking, it's not a big deal," "You won't have any trouble memorizing the multiplication tables once you focus," "You're not afraid of clowns." We may think that we're being encouraging, but in fact, when we deny children's feelings, they feel frustrated and ignored.
It's more helpful to respond with empathy: "Last time we went to the circus you thought the clowns were very funny, but right now they seem scary," or "That comment really hurt your feelings," or "It's hard work to memorize the multiplication tables."
10. Don't interview for pain
I recently discussed this principle on the podcast "Laughlines with Kim and Penn Holderness." Sometimes when talking to our kids, we ask questions that prompt them to focus on the negative aspects of their day. "Was that class still boring?" "Was that kid mean to you again?" We want to respond with compassion if a child wants to discuss a tough topic, but we don't want to encourage them to focus on the worst parts of their experience.
11. Make daily tasks more convenient
Tasks that are easy for adults can be frustrating and difficult for children. Try to make things easier: Use hooks rather than hangers, store useful items on low shelves, keep a lightweight step stool next to the kitchen counter and in the bathroom.
12. Remember, the days are long, but the years are short
When your child is driving you bonkers, keep your sense of perspective by recalling that soon, this phase will retreat into the past. It's easier to stay serene and good-humored when we remember how fleeting the days of childhood were. One of the best ways to make your child happy is to be happy yourself.
Gretchen Rubin is one of today's most influential observers of happiness and human nature. She's the author of many books, including the bestseller "The Happiness Project." Her books have sold more than 3.5 million copies worldwide, in more than 30 languages. She hosts the award-winning podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin, where she explores practical solutions for living a happier life. Her new book, "Secrets of Adulthood," is out now.
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