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I've spent more than 12 years studying happiness and human nature. Along the way, I've collected what I call "Secrets of Adulthood" — the lessons I've learned, with time and experience, about how to create lives that are happier, more meaningful, and more confident.
Many of my most important discoveries can be distilled into one short line. As the old saying goes, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears," and sometimes reading a single sentence can spark a transformative insight.
1. Accept yourself, and expect more from yourself.
To be happier, seek to have self-compassion and acknowledge the natural limits of your nature; also seek to grow, stretch, and push yourself outside of our comfort zone.
2. Working is one of the most dangerous forms of procrastination.
In my case, work-procrastination often takes the form of needless research. It may look like work, but if it's not actually helping me achieve my work aims, I'm goofing off.
3. What we do every day matters more than what we do once in a while.
If we go for 20-minute walk most days each month, it's okay if we miss a few days here or there; if we go for an hour's walk just one day each month, we won't accomplish much.
4. A strong voice repels as well as attracts.
As a writer, I often remind myself of this truth. If I aim to be so mild that no one can disagree with my conclusions or object to my style, my work will be featureless and boring.
5. Perfectionism is driven not by high standards but by anxiety.
If you feel plagued by perfectionism, don't worry about lowering your standards but rather work to address your anxieties.
6. To respect us, people must first notice us; we can't earn trust and admiration from the sidelines.
Many people are puzzled when their efforts aren't recognized; the problem is that no one knows what they're doing.
7. If we're not failing, we're not trying hard enough.
By trying to avoid failure, we're also avoiding the risks and challenges that lead to accomplishment and opportunity.
8. Before declaring that something is superficial, unhealthy, inefficient, dangerous, disgusting, or immoral, we should consider: Maybe this just doesn't suit my taste.
Consider instead: Writing was denounced for fear that dependence on the written word would weaken people's memories. Railroad travel was denounced for fear that it would cause brain damage. Postcards were denounced for fear that they would encourage heedless, frivolous disclosure.
9. The sharing of tasks often leads to the shirking of tasks.
We've all experienced this phenomenon!
10. Nothing is more exhausting than the task that's never started.
I've felt overwhelmed for a week because I delayed writing an email that, in the end, took me 20 seconds to draft.
11. It's easier to change our surroundings and our schedules than to change ourselves.
Instead of trying to become a "morning person," do your most taxing work late in the day. Instead of trying to become a marathoner who works slowly and steadily toward a deadline, embrace your sprinter nature and the fact that you do your best work when you're racing to meet a deadline.
12. The bird, the bee, and the bat all fly, but they use different wings.
Nothing is a one-size-fits-all! Use the approach and the tools that work best for you.
Gretchen Rubin is one of today's most influential observers of happiness and human nature. She's the author of many books, including the bestseller "The Happiness Project." Her books have sold more than 3.5 million copies worldwide, in more than 30 languages. She hosts the award-winning podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin, where she explores practical solutions for living a happier life. Her new book, "Secrets of Adulthood," is out now.
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