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Have you ever met someone who seemed too into you? It felt good, but also seemed too good to be true?
As a Harvard-trained psychologist, I've found that some toxic relationships start out like an overly positive fairy tale romance novel. And this isn't always a good thing because it may be a red flag that you've met a "love bomber": Someone who expresses their affection in an extremely adoring, highly intimate way — usually in the early stages of a relationship.
It's a manipulative dating tactic used to make a potential dating partner dependent on and invested in the relationship — before having adequate time to evaluate whether it's a good fit.
A love bomber can be tricky to spot because it generally feels good to meet someone who seems to think you are absolutely wonderful. Here are the six red flags to look for.
1. They shower you with adoring compliments
Love bombers want to make you like them by making you feel loved. It's common for them to say things like, "You're the most amazing person I've ever met" or "You're so special and unique."
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2. They offer you expensive gifts
In an effort to get you to feel indebted to them, love bombers often make grand gestures to win your attention. For example, they might give you expensive jewelry, lavish flowers or other over-the-top romantic gifts that are intended to make you attached and tell yourself they are "so generous."
3. They declare that they love or adore you
Love bombers will express their love very quickly after meeting a potential mate in an effort to win them over. For example, "I've never felt this way before" or "Where have you been all my life?"
4. They make efforts to remain in constant contact
Calling or texting multiple times a day, wanting to know your schedule or intruding your personal space is common. They may ask to meet your family and friends and feel entitled to know what you're doing at all times.
5. They try to get you to commit too fast
Love bombers may suggest, very early on, that you should commit to serious things like living together or even getting married. They might say that you should be couple who does everything together. Often, they're looking for a solid commitment that tells them they've "locked" you in.
6. They violate healthy boundaries
Love bombers often want all of your time and attention to draw you away from having an independent life outside of them. For example, they may react negatively if you want to go out with friends or want some alone time.
The best way to respond to love bombing
Over time, love bombers shift from a position of idealizing their new partner and expressing their feelings in an over-the-top positive way to devaluating their partner in a critical and demeaning way.
My best advice is to view their behavior as information. Don't give a love bomber all your time. Maintain your own identity and set clear boundaries. Moving at your own pace in a relationship is the key to feeling safe and secure.
Ultimately, you want your relationship to be a healthy one for you, one that emerges from a place of honesty rather than flowery language and unrealistic romantic ideals.
Dr. Cortney S. Warren, PhD, is a board-certified psychologist and author of "Letting Go of Your Ex." She specializes in love addition and breakups, and received her clinical training at Harvard Medical School. She has written almost 50 peer-reviewed journal articles and delivered more than 75 presentations on the psychology of relationships. Follow her on Instagram @DrCortneyWarren.
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