Psychologist: 5 ways emotionally intelligent parents manage guilt

Nearly every parent has experienced parental guilt. It happens when we don't enjoy playing with our kids, or when we lose our cool with them after a long day. When my daughter was a baby, I felt guilty when she didn't gain enough weight and guilty when I left her with a sitter for the first time. 

As a psychologist with over 20 years of experience, I know that how we handle guilt can make or break our mental health. Parents who misread guilt as evidence of "bad parenting" let the emotion drive their decisions. They may forgo self-care or sign up to lead the PTA even though their schedules are full. 

But those who recognize that guilt is merely an emotion, not a harsh judge, approach things differently. They validate their guilt and question where it's coming from so that it doesn't sabotage their happiness and well-being.  

Here are five things to do when you feel pangs of parental guilt. 

Since guilt feels awful, it's human nature to try to avoid it. Parents often do this by relying on "protective defenses," such as self-criticism or perfectionism.  

If working too much feels wrong, you may try to be the perfect parent and always sacrifice downtime to spend time with your kid. While these actions temporarily block guilty feelings, they hold you back from noticing your needs and can hurt your well-being in the long run. 

Emotionally wise parents don't let avoidance run the show. Instead, they notice and name their guilt, which helps temper negative feelings and leaves you feeling calmer. 

Healthy guilt helps you apologize and take responsibility when you snap at your kids or hurt their feelings. Toxic guilt is feeling like you've done something wrong even when you haven't. It's often rooted in societal expectations and childhood experiences.

Research shows that working mothers in particular often feel guilty for not living up to the cultural ideals of being a "super mom." And if your parents piled on a guilt trip whenever you expressed your needs or disagreed with them, you may believe that prioritizing yourself or setting healthy limits (even with your kids) isn't allowed. 

Emotionally savvy parents can discern between these two types of guilt. They ask themselves: "Have I really done something wrong, or do I just feel like I have?"

Healthy emotional regulation means allowing yourself to experience guilt or any other feeling, without letting it run wild. Think of it this way: Intense emotions are like waves that reach a peak and then subside. 

It's easier to feel the emotion and ride the wave when your body is relaxed. Try to ground your body with some deep belly breaths. Simply inhaling for four counts and exhaling for four counts brings oxygen to your muscles, reducing the emotion's intensity and relaxing the body. 

Emotionally wise parents exercise curiosity to understand their guilt by asking themselves two questions:

• What is going on right now that is making me feel guilty?
• Is guilt covering up another emotion that I'm less comfortable with?

Guilt is an inhibitory emotion, which means it can stop you from feeling core emotions, such as anger, sadness, and fear.

For example, guilt might be covering up sadness when you miss your child's school performance because of work. Once you identify that, you can name, validate, and work through your sadness, instead of letting it hide or fester. 

Guilt can spark a lot of negative self-talk. It might tell you that you're the worst parent on the planet or that you're undeserving of support and care. These messages create a negative feedback loop, which can make us feel stuck.

To challenge these thoughts, try talking to yourself like you'd talk to your child or a close friend. Use this question to guide you: "If my child or best friend were in the same situation or felt the same way, what would I say?" 

When you answer this question, talk to yourself in the second person by using the pronoun "you" to make it easier to access self-compassion:

• "You're doing a great job." 
• "You've got a handle on guilt." 

Guilt is part of parenting. When you practice navigating it, you're not only protecting your own well-being, you're also modeling emotional intelligence for the next generation.

Dr. Juli Fraga is a licensed psychologist with nearly two decades of experience working with new parents. She is a co-author of "Parents Have Feelings, Too." She also teaches workshops for expectant parents at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) hospital, where she also supervises psychiatry residents. Follow her on Instagram @parentshavefeelingstoo.

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