I've been married 23 years—I have 6 rules for a successful relationship: 'If you do them all, you'll be happier than most'

After 23 years of marriage and raising kids together, I've learned that being a great partner involves structure and intention.

I've walked the path myself, from being a breadwinning husband who did little at home to becoming the go-to household manager in a marriage with three kids and a powerhouse executive spouse. Through my platform, Modern Husbands, I also help couples build the systems they need to manage money and domestic responsibilities as a team.

Couples in the most successful relationships, including my wife and I, do six things for each other without question. If you do them all, you'll be happier than most.

Men today face mixed signals: Be the breadwinner, but also do half the housework (and don't expect any recognition). That confusion leads to imbalance at home.

In our household, we assign responsibilities based on skills, passions, and goals — not gender. I manage our finances because it's my professional background. I also cook because I love it.

What matters is creating a system that reflects your family's goals, not outdated roles.

Throughout our marriage, we have taken turns assuming the roles of "gardener" and "rose."

The gardener nourishes the environment at home so the rose can blossom in their career. The gardener is the domestic safety net who handles unplanned problems. That might look like being the "parent on call" for doctor appointments and emergencies.

Deliberately and thoughtfully sharing supportive roles in each other's career dreams can prevent the silent resentment that arises when one partner repeatedly makes small, unplanned sacrifices for the sake of the other's career and the household.

Just like a weekly business meeting, having regular check-ins with your partner can change everything.

Find a quiet time, when emotions are low and focus is high. Walk together, grab coffee, or sit down for 15 minutes to align on schedules, financial goals, and responsibilities.

If you want to take it further, plan annual retreats to reflect, set goals, and recommit to working as a team. 

Success in a relationship shouldn't rely on constant effort. Set up systems that make good decisions the default. 

A few examples: Set joint savings goals, then automate transfers to a high-yield account at a different bank; delete spending apps from your phone; and turn off auto-fill on social media to reduce impulse buys.

I often recommend utilizing household management systems like Fair Play to assign clear roles, promote an equitable and efficient distribution of the mental load, and prevent miscommunication. The Fair Play system consists of three key elements:

1. Conception: Generating the idea or identifying the need for a task in the household or family system.
2. Planning: Mapping out the steps, resources, and timeline needed to complete the task effectively.
3. Execution: Carrying out the task from start to finish with full ownership and follow-through.

We have financial and domestic labor systems for our home to give ourselves more time to spend with each other, to talk about everyday life. When we talk about our day, we put our phones away and we stick to the rule of not speaking about the business of our home. 

The approach we like to use on our evening walks after dinner is the rose, thorn, and bud prompt. We each share the highlight of our day (rose), any issues or frustrations (thorn), and the time we spent investing in our future (bud).

It takes trust to work together to manage money and the home. Take, for instance, a spending limit that is not honored or picking up a prescription from the grocery store. Failing to follow through can have real consequences.

Continually breaking the promise that comes with a family budget or doing chores can lead to resentment and even contempt.

The most important thing to remember is that great relationships aren't built on luck. They're built on shared goals and a willingness to evolve together. 

Brian Page is the founder of Modern Husbands, a company dedicated to helping couples manage both financial and home responsibilities as a team. He holds a master's degree in education and is certified as both an Accredited Financial Counselor® and a Fair Play Certified® domestic labor specialist.

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