CNBC.COM
As a couples therapist and a mom, I often see how so many adults spend years unlearning what they absorbed as kids about relationships.
What we say to our children today becomes their internal blueprint for future relationships. It informs how they show up for their partner, and teaches them what to expect from love.
That's why I'm intentional about modeling what emotional safety, accountability, and secure attachments look like in life's everyday moments.
Here are eight phrases I use regularly to teach my kids what strong, healthy relationships look like:
1. 'It's okay if you see it that way. I see it differently. We don't need to have the same views.'
Disagreement doesn't mean disconnection.
I see couples get stuck trying to convince each other to see the world their way. They never learned that two people can be different, and still be loved and enough.
I want my kids to know that it's okay to have different perspectives, and that love isn't about sameness, it's about respect.
2. "Do you want me to problem-solve, or just listen?"
Many adults I work with tell me they wish their partner would actually ask what they need, instead of making assumptions.
This question gives your child a sense of power and teaches them how to identify and express their emotional needs.
3. 'I'm sorry. I got angry and didn't slow down to think about what you were saying. Next time I will pause or take a moment to breathe.'
A real, genuine apology is not just about saying "I'm sorry." It's about naming what went wrong and what you'll do differently next time.
Many people never learn this growing up, because the earliest caregivers rarely, if ever, admitted they were in the wrong.
When we model accountability, we show our children that it's okay to make mistakes. Not only that, owning up to those mistakes is a form of building a deeper connection.
4. 'I think what you just shared is so interesting. Thank you.'
At our core, we long to know that we matter to those we love. This statement validates that your child is important.
As adults, not feeling heard is one of the deepest relationship wounds that we can carry. So when we reflect genuine interest in our child's inner world, we lay the foundation for emotional openness and curiosity about themselves and others.
5. 'I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm going to take five minutes, and then come back.'
This phrase teaches children that we all get overwhelmed, but that we can take space without abandoning the relationship, or our responsibilities.
Many people either explode or shut down when they get overwhelmed, struggling to communicate their needs. By modeling this kind of boundary, we help our kids learn how to regulate their emotions while protecting relationships.
6. 'I'm grateful for you.'
It's easy to assume our children know we love them, but naming appreciation strengthens their internal sense of worth.
Expressing gratitude and appreciation is a regular healthy relationship skill. With our children, it helps them develop a strong sense of being valued. This emotional blueprint will carry into all of their relationships.
7. 'I can tell this is important to you. I want to give it my full attention, but I need a moment. Can we come back to it?'
This is a masterclass in respecting both your child's needs and your own bandwidth. There are always two experiences in a relationship, and this phrase helps to model that you both have needs.
The goal is to work together. When we let children know where we are at, we are not dismissing them. Instead, we're teaching them the powerful skill of knowing our limits.
8. 'Would it be okay to give you a hug? I think I could use one.'
Asking for connection — instead of assuming — fosters mutual care and consent. It also reminds kids that emotional needs are normal, and asking for support is healthy.
Remember that the words we speak today become our children's inner voice tomorrow. We're not just raising secure kids — we're shaping future partners who will love with compassion, empathy, and curiosity.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish is a clinical psychologist, couples therapist, and relationship expert. Her work has been featured in outlets like The New York Times, Forbes, and Time, and her research has appeared in peer-reviewed academic journals. She is the author of "I Didn't Sign Up for This" and the host of the parenting podcast Dear Dr. Tracy. Her second book, "You, Your Husband and His Mother," will be released Fall 2025. She is the owner of the mental health clinic Integrated Wellness, and lives in Ottawa with her husband and two children.
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