People with high emotional intelligence embrace 5 'hard truths' early on, says expert

What sets emotionally intelligent people apart is their mindset. By embracing a few hard truths about feelings, they've discovered the key to better decisions, healthier relationships, and more mental strength.

I'm a therapist who's spent over 20 years studying mental strength. And as I shared on a recent episode of my "Mentally Stronger" podcast, many of us were fed myths and misconceptions about feelings when we were growing up by well-meaning teachers, parents, and other adults.

Fortunately, it's never too late to shift your beliefs. Here are five hard truths emotionally intelligent people accept early on — and how you can, too:

Emotions like anger, sadness, or anxiety are often described as negative. But all emotions have the power to be helpful or harmful. It's how you respond to them that matters. For instance, anger can give you courage to stand up for something, and sadness can help you honor something you've lost.

Emotionally intelligent people trust they can regulate, express, and shift their emotions as needed.

Tip: Practice coping skills that regulate your emotions when those feelings aren't helpful. For example, take a walk when you feel anxious or make plans with friends when you're sad. These strategies can help you regain control over your feelings and even use them to your advantage.

Healthy emotional regulation is about allowing yourself to experience helpful emotions and mitigate or shift unhelpful ones. 

Think of it like adjusting a thermostat — you're not turning off the heat entirely, just keeping it at a comfortable level.

Tip: When your anxiety is so high you're struggling to hold a conversation, take steps to dial it back. Or when you're so angry you might say something you later regret, reduce the intensity by taking a break from a tense conversation. 

In other words, listen to what the feeling might be signaling to you, and make an intentional decision about what to do with that input. 

It's tempting to blame someone for making you mad or making you feel bad about yourself. But the truth is, you're in charge of how you feel. Your emotions stem from your perception of a situation, not anyone else's words or actions. 

For example, if someone criticizes your work, you might feel angry or hurt — but those feelings come from how you interpret their words, not the words themselves.

Tip: Change your language to take responsibility for your emotions and your responses. Instead of "you make me mad," try saying, "I feel angry about what you did." This reframe helps you to take ownership of your emotions so you can choose what to do next.  

We've all heard people say some version of: "Don't bottle it up. You have to let everything out." But we're not pressure cookers that need to let off steam. 

Venting — either online or in-person — can actually add fuel to a metaphorical fire. Research shows when you talk about all the things that are upsetting you, you're more likely to amplify your charged emotions, not alleviate them. 

While it can be helpful to talk about feelings, complaining about other people's behavior can keep you stuck.

Tip: Rather than rehash the reasons for your frustration, talk about solutions and strategies for moving forward. Write in a journal or brainstorm actionable steps to address the issue.

Many people avoid situations that stir up anxiety, sadness, or embarrassment because they doubt they can handle those emotions. While uncomfortable feelings can be painful, it's our attempts to avoid them that causes suffering. 

Tip: Let yourself experience discomfort by facing your fears, tolerating your sadness, and experiencing anxiety. Feelings are like waves — they peak and then subside. And the discomfort becomes less intense over time. More importantly, you'll build confidence in your ability to handle these difficult emotions. 

Stepping outside your emotional comfort zone is key to growth. Every time you practice tolerating discomfort, you experience an opportunity to sharpen your skills and gain emotional intelligence.

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, clinical social worker and instructor at Northeastern University. She is the author of several books including "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do.″ Her TEDx talk "The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong" is one of the most viewed talks of all time. Follow her on Instagram and LinkedIn.

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