CNBC.COM
Nobody likes receiving a lazy, thoughtless apology.
If you want to be sincere and heartfelt, a basic "I'm sorry" won't cut it, according to Beth Polin, a professor of management at Eastern Kentucky University who studies trust and apologies.
"Apologies are really effective, and they don't cost very much," Polin said on a May 27 episode of the "WorkLife with Adam Grant" podcast, adding: "I think people do offer apologies more often than we think, except they're bad apologies."
Seventy-three percent of American's sat they've apologized without really meaning it, according to a 2023 Preply study of 2,025 U.S. adults.
In her research, Polin found that the most effective apologies contain five components. Grant, a Wharton organizational psychologist and the podcast's host, called them the "5 Rs":
- Regret: Show the other person that you genuinely wish you made a better decision.
- Rationale: Explain why you made the decision you made.
- Responsibility: Take ownership of your wrongdoing, instead of flipping it on the other person.
- Repentance: Let the other person know you won't make the same mistake again.
- Repair: Do the work to restore the relationship or trust that was broken.
The third one, responsibility, may be the most important of the bunch, said Polin: "Interestingly, if we only include three components in an apology, the acknowledgement of responsibility needs to be one of those three."
The following statement to your boss is a poor apology that may come across as insincere, Polin said: "Sorry I was late this morning. I woke up 30 minutes earlier, and still got caught in traffic."
Instead of fully blaming the traffic, take some responsibility yourself, even if you think you weren't at fault, she recommended: "I'm so sorry I am late. Traffic was really bad. I should have checked the traffic patterns before I left my house."
After apologizing, Polin said, invite the other person to repair any broken trust with a phrase like "Will you forgive me?" or "Are we good" If the other person says they need some time before forgiving you, you've still shown some sincerity and commitment to mending your relationship, she added.
Another tip: Stop using the words "if" and "but" in your apologies, New York University professors David Glasgow and Kenji Yoshino wrote for CNBC Make It in March 2023.
"When you use "if" to qualify your apologies, you are questioning the recipient's reaction to the wrong, rather than to the wrong itself," they wrote. "When you make an apology that starts with "I'm sorry, but…," you not only seek to duck responsibility, but you also suggest the harm could happen again."
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